dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I cut my penus on the lid.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
