SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
