You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
