Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So. Much. Porn.
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