I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
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The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
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I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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