ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
