WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
