How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
