1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
