I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
