worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
