1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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