I wish my penis had an off switch
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
This baby is an asshole
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
