I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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