I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
