I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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