the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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