I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
