if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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