just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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