Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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