I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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