Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
