I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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