The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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