The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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