Just fell off a train. Bad.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
