I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
