Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
