Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
