we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
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