I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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