Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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