Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
