Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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