After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
