I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
