I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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