i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have fence marks all over my body
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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