he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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