the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
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he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
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Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.