why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
