I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
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so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
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