Your mouth is God's brothel.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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