now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My vagina is officially offended.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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