I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
This toilet bowl is my home.
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