mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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