I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
