I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
