I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
