I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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