I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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