the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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