Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
