Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
