halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
