I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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